California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Steven Wright

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright

He would make a lovely corpse.
Charles Dickens


I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright